Fit or Fat

So this is IT.
I can be honest here right?
I wouldn't say I haven't gotten deep on here, but this is probably more honest than I've been in a while and mostly with myself.

I'm committed to changing my diet and lifestyle this year.
I have been on a half ass diet for most of my adult life, that has yielded limited or temporary results.
I'd say the last time I really felt good about myself was my sophomore year of college/beginning of junior year. Looking back I really looked pretty great. Strangely enough I have no idea how much I weighed then either, therefore I don't have how far off I am from getting there again.
I'd say I was also in decent shape my last semester of grad school. I even have TONS of great clothes from that period that I would love to wear again.

Well I'm dedicated this year. I'm testing my self, my mind, my body and my soul.
If I'm not successful in OH-TEN than I think I'm going to commit to being fat.

My dad struggled most of his life with weight and yo-yoing. He was heavy for most of my youth and then in high school he lost 100 pounds with slimfast, diet, and exercise. He even kept it off for 6-8years. It was when he retired that he started putting on weight again and obviously defeated he let him self gain nearly all of that weight back. His unhappiness with his body ultimately led him to get gastric bypass surgery which killed him.

I want to love my body, whichever body I am supposed to have and maintain. So if things don't work out for me this year (which is a trail run, which if successful I plan to keep up for the rest of my life) than I want to stop trying to reach for something that is impossible and just learn to love myself where ever I'm at.

Now don't get me wrong I will always want to stay healthy...I want stay active and try and eat right, but I think this is a test of my state of mind, body and soul.

Seriously, why halfway diet if you get no results. My body tends to like where it's at regardless of what I eat or don't eat, exercise or don't exercise. So in 2011 if big changes haven't happened I think I'm going to be content with how I look, but I can't be content unless I try my darnedest within reason.

I have no plans to act like a biggest loser contestant, but I do plan on monitoring my sugar intake (my mom did that and transformed her body and her life),I also want to eliminate late night eating (only liquids after 9pm), in addition to going to the gym at least 4 times a week (I would like to try and get to a 10 minute mile on the treadmill), I want to walk more (morning walks with Freddie before work to get my blood pumping, parking farther at work, etc).

Ideally I'd like to lose 5 lbs a month (which means 40 pounds by my birthday which would be magical). I am only going to weigh myself on Fridays, instead of obsessively weighing myself. I'm on a kick of writing lots of things down (thanks in part to my coffee count) I have made a nightly checklist so to speak to keep my self accountable. I also think writing all this in blog form also makes me accountable. I not only said it, but I WROTE it for the whole world to see (not like the whole world reads this), so it's pressure, but good pressure.

My mantra may come from a weird place, but it has been speaking to me nearly a year now:

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

It's from Radiohead's song "Creep", but the lyrics really stood out to me when David Cook covered it in his old band Axium. Obviously I'm not looking to fit popculture's definition of perfection, but rather the best version of myself.

If I meet my goal, I would also like to get those lyrics tattooed on my side/ribs. Recently I been to writing the lyrics everywhere to serve as a reminder of the task at hand.

I think this is all truly attainable. The only way I could fail is if I LET MYSELF FAIL.

I encourage you all to ask me how I'm doing and to keep me in your thoughts and prayers on my journey this year.